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My Brain.

February 22, 2007

Get this … really off topic, but fascinating to me.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t find myself. I’m dead serious.

I don’t mean that I was lost or disoriented. I literally woke up and proceeded to look for myself. I don’t know who the “looker” (or seeker) was since it was my eyes that were doing the looking, but I was searching around the house trying to find me, so the eyes I was seeing through seemed not to be attached to me. I even went upstairs, checked the toy-room and the computer-room, wondered if I had somehow left the house. It must have taken me ten minutes to get clear in my head what was going on (so that I could stop doing it). I was wide-awake.

I do this kind of thing. I have freaky dreams, and have periods of regular night-time, uh, episodes. This one, however, was really striking, and the meaning of it is written in hundred foot high letters right in front of me. I’m not really going to explain it except to say that there are times when I require a “reset” … times when I want to give my head a shake and remember who I am and what I do. Times when I need to take off all of the daily costumes I wear and personas I adopt and get back the raw me. Sometimes my conscious mind doesn’t realize that the time for a reset has arrived … generally, a head-shake won’t do either … I need to be hit with a cattle-prod or one of those “bang-sticks” they use on sharks. Perhaps being struck by lightning would do it …

When I get there, I will have a moment of calm and clarity. I remember having one of those in the middle of Banff National Park a couple of years ago, gazing up at the sky, mountains, and trees, and thinking … “shit, there I am.”

I must sound like a nut.

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